I always cry at weddings. (part 1)

Last year I was bridesmaid in my long time friends wedding. I was so excited for the privilege, but a little sad she lived on the other side of Australia to me. My friends Eve and Amelia also were asked, and another girl we went to school with was Maid of Honour.  We were to fly over to Canberra for the wedding which is pricey. Eve declined the bridesmaid role, unsure if she’d be able to make the trip. In the end she did, and we considered her a honourary bridesmaid.  We chose our dresses out of a selection the bride sent us, met up and picked shoes together to meet all our budgets and requirements. I booked the accommodation for Amelia, Eve and myself. I booked my plane tickets and sent the details to Eve to line up with mine. I arranged a friend to look after my business while I was away, and feed my cats. My partner was also out of the country for work returning the day of the wedding.

The lead up to leaving was exhausting. The day after my birthday I held a sale in my store, organising 4 volunteer friends, a pregnant sister and a pinup fashion parade. Mister flew out in the middle of the day, so pack up was all me. I then set to the task of packing my bags and making sure the store and my house were organised enough for someone else to run. I got on the plane shattered, which in introvert speak means completely withdrawn.

 I love Eve, she is one of my oldest friends but she is extremely touchy- feely and the sort of person who feels everything needs comment/compliment. She also can be a little ditsy, which I factored in when making travel plans. It does make me a little short with her at times though, because when I’m tired and withdrawn the last thing I want is someone patting me like a cat and constantly telling my shoes/bag/leggings/hair etc is pretty. I also quickly realised she forgot to pack a jacket and a phone charger, meaning it was up to me to ‘mother’ her a little, lending her my Cardi  for the whole trip. I wear good quality clothes, so I don’t like lending them out.

By the time we got to Canberra and stepped off the redeye, I was even more exhausted. I knew I was gritting my teeth and needed some space to myself, but staying with Alice in her small house with seven of her friends and family, it was not going to happen.  I tried to find some space to work on some numbers and tax work that desperately needed doing, but found it impossible without my laptop which I had left at the store. I kept trying to walk to an area/part of the house that was secluded where I could sit and have silence, but every time I turned around, Eve was there Shadowing me. Alice’s father also has a sense of humour which involves provoking people, and the last time I had seen him I was in the depth of my Eating disorder and very thin which he promptly raised and decided to ask about.

I was tired, needing space and being asked personal questions.
So yes I was getting very short and defensive. I tried to help when I could- with dinner, ironing shirts little things, but Alice’s dads constant commentary and “you’re doing it wrong” was wearing on my last nerve, I also happen to have a very sarcastic and dark humour myself and tend to turn to it as defence, so out it came. I felt like a caged animal, but I continued to keep trying to smile and help as much as I could.

Amelia joined us, and we travelled to the wedding destination, also picking up something for the ceremony (vessels for a sand ritual). We met the groomsmen who flew in from Townsville. Amelia and Adele barely spoke to them, while I made effort- partly owning to the fact that I know Townsville quite well. Turned out we had mutual friends and on the day of the wedding I made a point of meeting my groomsman’s partner and talking to her. I then sewed little ribbons onto the little bottles and painted Eves nails because she missed out on getting her acrylics done by Adele.

 

The morning of the wedding was rough. We were supposed to be getting a ride from our hotel, which didn’t happen. So Amelia drove us up. It was raining so the ceremony got moved inside, but it was a pretty space and you couldn’t tell it wasn’t the original plan. We were told there would be food in the prep area, which there wasn’t. The stylist seemed daunted by the task of Amelia’s hair and Adele’s extensions,  and after starting Amelia’s hair Amelia needed to drive the hire car back to the hotel (she was the only one insured on it), and the rain ruined her mornings work ( we told her Amelia would have to drive, but she insisted on starting with Amelia). The makeup artist handed a straightening iron to me (!) to help fix it as we rapidly ran out of time. She didn’t like me much. She asked the stupidest questions about Perth as if we were some back water town which I couldn’t help but laugh at until I realised she was serious. Oops. I also warned her I hated having my face done because the brushes make me flinch, and that I was useless at doing hair and was probably not the best person to take over Amelia’s. Alice’s daughter also wouldn’t settle even after I took her out for a walk in her pram to try and get her to sleep.

The ceremony was perfect, despite the move inside. Not a hitch. We went outside for photos, it was cold and a little wet. The photographer wanted individual shots, so I went first. After she took my photo I noticed everyone standing around aimlessly and decided we needed wine for the photo taking while we wait. Off I trundled back to event and grabbed a bottle of champers and some glasses. I noticed Eve sitting alone looking a little sad, so I invited her out with us to watch the photos and chat with us. I tried talking to the groomsmen more.
Finally after the ceremony I found a quiet spot and sat down for a few minutes with canapés.  By the time the dinner came around I was feeling a little better until Alice pulled us bridesmaids aside and said “Guys, Be nice to the groomsmen, especially you Retrospective!” I was shocked; I had been very accommodating with the groomsmen and didn’t think I had even been too sarcastic with them. Amelia also uses sarcasm to cover her anxiety (It’s why we are friends) and I noticed her say a few things that may be misconstrued, but me? I shut down, going through ‘happy’ motions and after all the speeches and toasts were done, I excused myself and wandered off to cry.

 

It felt so unfair that all weekend I had been doing my best to be helpful and useful, but every time I tried to recharge my batteries I was not given the space. I was constantly getting teased and taunted by the others but I was the one getting singled out. I had not complained about how I was feeling (except a short word to Amelia, but that’s what she is there for) and was trying my best not to be snappy.

I was back to pretend-normal by the time the dancing rocked around (oh didn’t we tell you the bridesmaids have to dance with the groomsmen, well now you know!) and I was the only one of the party still wearing shoes. I finally got a hold of Mister, which was a huge relief- I could vent unjudged, let out some of the steam that had been building.

By the time I got back to Perth the next day I felt like I must be the worst person in the world. I felt like the whole weekend I’d been told there was something fundamentally wrong with my personality. I was somehow faulty. Alice’s Dad, mother, brother, the Makeup artist, everyone kept making a point of saying “Oh Eve is so lovely and kind and pretty” which she is, and I love her as much, but by the end of the weekend I needed my space and clearly came out looking like the wicked witch of the west to her Dorothy. It was a relief to sit down with my Perth friends again and relay the situation to them. Finally I started feeling like I wasn’t broken. Yes I was Daria in a world of Quinns, but back home most of my friends were like Jane, and could stop biting my tongue and relax again.

 

A few months later, the photos were released. There is one photo of me standing behind Alice, she looks radiant and I am holding her bouquet, with the most classic example of resting bitchy face i have ever seen. I look like I want to murder her with her bouquet. Of course I was mentally prepping for my walk down the aisle, but the photo sums up the whole weekend.